BRAIN FREEZE

'3 LBS.' AIN'T SO HEAVY

Bad-tempered Stanley Tucci (above) takes a new series about brain surgeons up against "House."

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Rating:
November 14, 2006 -- IT weighs only three pounds but it feels like a ton. I'm talking about "3 Lbs.," CBS' shameless ripoff of "House."

While "House" is a quirky, hard-to-classify medical drama about a brilliant diagnostician and his good-looking staff of residents, "3 Lbs." is an easy-to-classify drama about a brain surgeon and his good-looking staff of residents.

But this show could use some brain surgery itself.

No,"3 Lbs." - which refers to the weight of a human brain - is not terrible or anything, just nothing special.

Still, you'd have to be brain dead to do what CBS has gone and done and put it up on the same night as "House" which will invite comparison. Trust me, it won't come out on top.

The show has some talented actors in the cast headed up by Stanley Tucci as in-house (oh, sorry) brain surgeon, Dr. Hanson.

Indira Varma (Niobe on "Rome") is the insanely gorgeous, "coy, calculating" neurologist, Dr. Holland. Dr. Jonathan Seger (Mark Feurstein) is Hanson's "highly skilled protégé" and Dr. Flores (Armando Riesco) is a doc so lame, he couldn't have gotten into air conditioning and refrigeration school, let alone a medical program.

Unlike "House," where each week we are offered a medical mystery worthy of Michael Crichton, "3 Lbs." offers only seizures and brain surgery.

Will the patient survive?

What do you think?

Annoyingly, in the first two episodes, we're also offered a variation on the same joke.

"Who said that? Descartes?"

"No, Popeye!"

Week Two: "Who said that?"

"Schaupenhauer - also Wilt Chamberlain."

Then there's Dr. Holland, a big deal neurologist reduced to making idiotic suggestive remarks while wearing low-cut red clingy outfits.

Hanson meantime, is always, a la House, in a bad mood and cranky. If I didn't know better, I'd think he needed some Midol.

So much is just so wrong. Take the old New York hospital where they are supposed to be working.

I mean, have you ever been in an empty elevator in a city hospital? Well, the elevators here are always empty so docs can apparently flirt with strangers.

So what's the final prognosis? The show won't live long.

"3 Lbs."
Tonight at 10 on CBS